


Do you remember me

by NeverBeenACorpse



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Blow Jobs, Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Don't read this is you didn't watch the movie, Emotionally Repressed, Forehead Kisses, Hand Jobs, Hugs, I cried during Infinity Wars and need to write something sad, M/M, Memories, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Sad, Sad Ending, Spoilers, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, gore mention, not a feel-good fic, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 11:27:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14495955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverBeenACorpse/pseuds/NeverBeenACorpse
Summary: Glimpses from Bucky's point of view, from the beginning of Captain America: Civil War to the ending of Infinity War part 1MASSIVE INFINITY WAR SPOILERS





	Do you remember me

**Author's Note:**

> I cried during IW. Then I needed to write something  
> This is something  
> It is a sad story

Seeing himself on the front of the paper wasn’t a shock. Bucky new this wasn’t more then a temporary solution, and that he’d get nothing more then a brief paus from the hell he’d created for himself.

It had been… nice. Sometimes. Living like a throwaway, working whatever let him keep his gloves on, making enough money to live on. He was hungry, but that wasn’t anything new. The program kept him fed with all the nutrients and calories his muscles and body would need, but it was never tasteful. Hunger came in many forms, even when you’d had your fill of proteins and calories.

Fruit was a luxury. The seller was nice, polite, even smiled a bit extra at him. He smiled back, got a good price, felt the juice flow down his throat.

Then someone saw him. Recognised him. Suddenly, the taste was forgotten, and Bucky saw his own face on the front of the newspaper.

It had ever only been temporary.

 

Standing face to face with the Captain again was sudden. Inevitable, maybe, but Bucky wasn’t going to let anything inside of him show.

”Do you remember me?”

Yes. Bucky remembered more then he cared to admit to himself; he remembered finding Steve alone in a backstreet, surrounded by goons who wanted nothing nice, and still the little fighter tried to scare them off.

He remembered going to the dance with a girl by his arm, he didn’t remember her name even then, and he was looking at Steve. He was scrawny, tiny and malnourished, but there was a fire in his eyes, and a sincere smile on his lips, and he was beautiful.

Bucky remembered he was dancing with a girl, some blonde beauty who seemed smitten with him, who barely kept her hands or eyes off him. He twirled her around, she laughed, he held her close, back to his chest, looking over her shoulder. She had her eyes mostly closed, turning her head up against him, her parted lips gently touching his cheek. Bucky was aware that she was dancing slow, slower then the music, shifting her hips against his crotch. He didn’t look at her. Steve was of to the side, reading a military pamphlet, standing in the corner without anyone trying to take him dancing.

He remembered how he’d kissed the girl, eyes on Steve, until the girl put her hand on his cheek and turned his face, as well as her own body, so that they stood face to face, kissing deeply, her hips pressing closer to his crotch, still moving as if dancing to a tune that no one else heard. She’d separated from him, kissing up the side of his face, licking his ear, and whispering naughty things she’d do to him if he followed her out back.

Steve’d looked up then, meeting Bucky’s eyes. Bucky blushed, but the little kid had only ever smiled at him, given a discreet thumbs up and turned back to the pamphlet.

Later, out back, when the girl was on her knees and opening the front of Bucky’s pants, he’d grabbed her blonde hair and wondered if Steve’s would feel the same. As she freed his cock, hard and standing straight, she smiled up at his and licked along the tip, along the slit, and Bucky groaned. He closed his eyes, feeling her mouth close around his cock, sliding him deep into her warm throat, and grabbed harder on her hair. She moaned, took him deeper, and Bucky thought about Steve. His smile as their eyes’d met. He thrust into the girls mouth, and she made a sound that riled him on, because he could almost imagine it belonging to Steve, and he tried to open his eyes, look down at her, see _her_ , no one else, trying to give her the attention she deserved, but she was good, so good, and soon he had nothing left to give but broken moans as he came down her throat.

He remembered how he’d seen Steve in her place, swallowing down on his cum, and how it had sent shivers through him. The girl had smiled, thinking it was because of her, and gotten to her feet. Placed a chaste kiss on his lips, looked up at him trough her lashes, knowing she was good. Bucky smiled back, let her have this, while trying to understand his own reactions, his own thoughts.

They’d parted ways soon enough. It was never anything more. But Bucky remembered.

”No. I don’t know you.” he said, instead. He knew the lie was empty, could see it in Steve’s face, in his eyes. They hadn’t met like this for so long. He still had the same eyes.

”I know you do, Bucky. And I need you to trust me. You need to come with me.”

”I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

”Right now, you don’t have much of a choice, Buck. There’s not much time left.”

He heard something. Boots in the hallway. Quiet, but still audible to the two of them. Bucky met Steve’s eyes.

”I don’t think I’m worth this.”

He knew he wasn’t. He’d done terrible things. Steve should know this. Why was he here?

 

Sounds outside the door, then a loud bang. The door almost gave on the first try. Steve met Buckys look, their eyes meeting for a moment, before they both went into action.

 

The door broke. Bucky went for his stash by the bed, then flipped it to stop the forces that where forcing their way in, with Steve by his side. Then they where being shot at.

Hiding behind the shield only worked so much, and Bucky knew Steve wouldn’t let him go easily. He wouldn’t let Steve go, and whatever Steve knew about Bucky’s and even his own feelings, he still wouldn’t let his friend down. Bucky knew this.

So when the police where reloading, he took Steve’s feet out from under him, and pushed him to the floor, with Bucky straddling him.

They ducked down. Steve looked up at him, uncertain if this was Bucky or the Winter Soldier. Whatever Bucky felt at seeing him again, that look in his eyes, it hurt.

He brought his hand down by the side of Cap’s face. He should fear him. Maybe then Cap’ll leave him, and never look back. He wouldn’t deserve anything else.

The bag, hidden under the now broken floorboards, was still there and ready to go. Cap got his shield up again, as the police began firing, and Bucky got off him. He could still feel the heat of Steve’s muscular body between his thighs.

 

They fought. Cap tried to tell Bucky not to kill, but it was redundant. He wasn’t that person anymore. Even as he almost threw a police to their death, but Steve was there to save them. Bucky gave him a sorry smile in return.

 

~*~

 

Cap was out of the car, standing there and flirting with some girl, and this guy Sam was hogging all the space with his leaned back seat.

”Could you move forward?”

”No.”

Asshat. Bucky shifted to the side.

In front of them, Cap was making his moves. The girl seemed quite smitten. Bucky understood her; he was a sight to see. He’d never really had a type, what he knew of; he’d liked pretty girls and sometimes boys with pretty smiles, but always Steve.

It always came back to Steve. He hadn’t been a conventional beauty by no means, back then; now he was the epitome of muscular perfection, and Bucky still felt the same towards him.

It was strange, in its own way.

In front of the car, the girl leaned up and kissed him. Bucky smiled. Had he been that girl, he’d done it much earlier.

 

~*~

 

Wakanda was an impressive place. Mostly by hot incredibly hot it was; Bucky wasn’t used to this kind of lingering heat.

Cap seemed unfazed by it, but Bucky could see perspiration by his temples. He couldn’t deny that he was tempted to just lick it of him, but he looked away, at the place they where walking through.

He was walking by his side, down long and empty corridors, that still managed to be decorated in colours and patterns that amazed him. It was a fascinating contrast; such simplicity combined with such lively patterns.

 

At the end, was a grand chamber, filled with technology that was dreams beyond anything Bucky could ever be comfortable around. He was still a bit stuck in the 50’s, but being almost a hundred years would probably do that to someone. He looked to Steve, and he saw a bit of wonder in his eyes, though contained.

”This is the place.” Shuri, the little kid that was apparently the sister of the King, stood before them. She was smiling wide, looking from one to the other.

”It’s impressive” Steve said, ever the charmer. Bucky almost smiled.

 

They where presented with what would happen; Bucky would pass through some tests and be fitted with proper clothes, and would then descend in an maybe endless sleep.

Steve was by his side all the time.

 

~*~

 

”Are you sure about this?”

Bucky looked up, met the Captains eyes. He was sitting on the edge of the stretcher they’d had him laid down onto do whatever it was they did to prepare for putting him under, so he could turn his head just a little bit up, and look directly into Steve’s eyes. They where sincere, intense, and fully focused on him. It would be so little, just to lean a bit forward. Just enough to let their lips touch. If it wasn’t reciprocated, he’d known. Then he’d go under the ice again, pause reality for a while; maybe even forever. It wouldn’t be an issue, not really.

”I’ll leave you two alone for a while then. Just call me, I’ll hear you if you just say my name, when you feel ready,”

Shuri left, and Steve looked after her. He seemed a little bit confused. Bucky smiled, and ran his hand down his arm. He was warm, even despite the air-conditioned environments, and the muscles under Bucky’s hand was distinct and pronounced. He looked at his own hand, feeling a little bit of wonder at the body of this man before him.

Steve cleared his throat, and Bucky looked up, saw his little smile and kind eyes, and felt himself blush.

”I…”

”It’s a bit weird, is it? I’ve had this body for so long now, but I’m still not always used to it.” Steve lifted the arm that Bucky hadn’t been touching, as if inspecting it. ”Sometimes I don’t even believe myself to be worthy of it. I was just a little kid, unfit for even the most basic military missions. No way they’d have me.” Bucky was holding his hands in his lap, not looking Steve in the eyes. ”But they found a way, all right. The doctor found a way for them to accept me.”

Bucky looked up, but Steve didn’t meet his eyes for a while.

”You already had this type of body when Hydra took you, they just changed it enough to improve. I’m sure it was strange, but it wasn’t totally transformative, was it?”

Steve met Buckys eyes, and suddenly Bucky could barely breathe.

”Then I lost you again.”

Steve looked like he was about to say something more, but stopped. Turned his face away. Bucky wanted so much to reach up and turn it back, to touch him, to see his face and beautiful eyes again, but he did nothing. He sat stil, waited for Steve to come back to whatever trail of thought he’d begun.

 

They where both quiet, for a while. Steve was breathing slowly, and Bucky watched it, sitting on the edge of the stretcher, one foot touching the floor, Steve’s impressive body standing right in front of him.

”It was a chock. Seeing you, again, that day. Wearing that arm, and… that name. The way you didn’t recognise me.”

”Steve…”

”Don’t apologise. Please. I do’t blame you for any of it, because you never consciously chose to do them. It wasn’t you. You where programmed to do this, you didn’t have a choice.” Steve leaned forward, seeing how Bucky was not accepting his words, don’t believing them, and grabbed hold of his face in his big hands. ”Bucky, it wasn’t you. You tried to fight it, but there was nothing you could do. Even if you did get out, all you’d do was perish at their hand. Then I would have never found you again.”

Bucky felt his breath over his face, and his hands where warm, holding his cheeks firmly, his fingers even reaching slightly up into his hair. Bucky felt his lips part, but Steve seemed to only have eyes for his eyes, like he was looking into his mind, trying to share his own conviction on what had happened to him. It was disconcerting, it was so completely like Steve; trying to save even the most lost causes.

”Bucky. If found you again, even though I’d lost you so many times. Bucky.”

Steve took a step closer, and something changed. It took Bucky completely by surprise, how the energy between them completely changed, and how when he swallowed, Steve looked at him. At his lips, and throat, and he could feel a thumb slowly, carefully, caress his cheek, sliding closer to his lips.

Somehow, it had all changed. He didn’t know how. He didn’t understand.

”Steve…”

It was a very different edge to his voice now; almost pleading, asking Steve to back away. To not do this. To leave him alone, to not come back for him. Let him be lost. Let him be asleep. Bucky couldn’t give him anything, he couldn’t be there for him, he wasn’t worth it.

Cap must know that. He had to know that.

But he took a small, single step closer. Barely more then shifting his weight between his feet, but he got closer. Bucky was sitting with his legs spread, and now Steve was between them. He couldn’t remember this ever happening before.

Bucky leaned back, straightened up, tried to shake his head to get Steve to loosen his grip, but Steve held on tight. Never let him go, either his face or his eyes.

”Buck. I don’t judge you. You’re still you. You’re still…”

Bucky was pleading with his eyes. Please, don’t go there, he wanted to say, he wanted to beg him not to say it, not to make it real. They’d gone so far, they’d done so much, become so different persons. This wasn’t a drunk night before a military mission. This wasn’t the last night together before Bucky was drafted into active service. This wasn’t Queens in the 50s, when everything was different, when everything was pure and easy and for all its faults and complications, it was still simple.

This wasn’t a shared bed in a way too small apartment. This wasn’t some teenage kids convincing each other that they where just ’helping a friend out’ before they went out to the fronts.

”Steve…”

It was weak. He knew it. He could see the smile on Steve’s lips; he knew he’d lost. There was no defences left in him.

”Buck. Be safe, okey?”

A single moment passed, where they still stood exactly like this. Steve, holding his face in his hands, smiling, looking down at him, and Bucky meeting that warm and knowing smile with his pleading, desperate eyes. Steve standing way too close; Bucky could almost feel the heat of his thigh against his crotch. He could almost touch him. Just a single shift of his hips, and this would take a turn with no going back. If it hadn’t already.

Steve leaned down. Bucky’s lips where open, his eyes almost closed, and Steve leaned down. Leaned his forehead against Bucky’s, letting out a small sigh.

”I will miss you, Bucky.”

 

Then the moment passed. Cap took a step back, let Bucky go, and gave him a last, sad smile.

Bucky closed his mouth and swallowed nervously. Steve called Shuri’s name, and in a blink she was there, turning the corner, smiling at them both.

Bucky saw Steve glance back at him one last time, and he could almost see sadness inside him. The way he slouched, just slightly, just enough for his best friend to notice. The way his eyes didn’t shine just as bright, how they held a single shimmer of something that might be a tear?

 

Shuri walked up to him and began to pull the weird little sticky things of his arms and chest, and Steve turned, and walked out.

Bucky heard Shuri talk, but not what she said. He held his head high, his chin higher then before, and told himself that we just wasn’t worthy.

He knew it, and he had no right to mourn something that was never his to being with. He didn’t have the right, and he would not let himself believe he ever did.

Steve was never his. Would never be. No matter their story, it wasn’t ment to be. They would be thrown against each other again. He knew it, Steve knew it, the world knew it and would work to make it that way.

Changing their friendship now would gain no one. Cheap, fast lies in secret wouldn’t give anything but temporary release, followed by even bigger problems.

 

Shuri told him to stand up, walk over, lay down. Close his eyes, be at rest, relax.

He did all that, and then there was darkness, once again.

 

~*~

 

The sun was beautiful over the plains and the lakes. The heat was no longer unbearable, as he’d grown used to it, but it was still noticeable.

The kids called him the White Wolf, and it was an interesting nickname, compared to the others he’d had. It made him smile. He liked it.

He didn’t get much news out here, but it was by choice. Many of the buildings out in the fields had high-tech electronics and regular tvs, but his didn’t. He wasn’t interested in much of what they could tell him, and he didn’t think he would be good at handling it anyway. The last time Bucky’d seen the news, he’d been on the front page.

He wondered how it would feel if he saw Cap on there instead. He didn’t really wanna find out.

 

Shuri came by, either physically or via said high-tech, to check on him from time to time, but life was good out here. As much as it could be. He got a few updates on Steve, even though he never actually asked, but Shuri seemed to know something he wasn’t too keen on her knowing, and he didn’t question it. So he got to learn that Cap was on the run for what he’d done to save Bucky.

Among other things, of course, but he knew he was a key in all of this. If Cap had left him, not found him, or if he’d just let him die, maybe things would have been different.

But it wasn’t, and now Cap was on the run.

A bit like him, but without a hidden, high-tech nation covering his tracks, and without a hut that he could call his own. Sometimes he wondered where Steve’d gone. There where others with him, Shuri told him, some other former Avengers and other super-humans.

Bucky sat down by the river, and looked out over the beautiful view.

Memories rushed inside him, suddenly, as if from nowhere. From before, when he was still a recruit and Steve was still a scrawny little thing with a beautiful smile. At times, they’d shared living quarters.

At times, they’d shared a bed.

Bucky looked down, closed his eyes. He couldn’t think of that. He couldn’t. It had seemed so difficult then, and he was grateful it never happened again, but it had really been so much easier then. The only real obstacle was their own insecurity and at most rumours.

Now the weight of the world literally hung on Cap’s shoulders. It was different. He couldn’t be anything less then perfect, and being taken was not perfect. Bucky was not perfect.

 

But still the memories came: talking about girls in the dark of a room, small and cramped, the bed old and hard, sharing a blanket to conserve heat as they couldn’t light a fire and there was no money for bills. Bucky telling the boy that he held in his arm about that girl he’d taken to the circus, how it felt to make out behind the stalls. Steve had asked, again and again, curious by nature and with no experience for himself, how it felt. How it felt to have lips against his own. What did it taste like. How did his body react. What where you supposed to do with your tongue, with your hands, and didn’t the nose get in the way?

Bucky had laughed, as you could do when a little sibling asks you simple and maybe even ridiculous questions, and he hugged him just a little bit closer, to stop him from shivering. Steve was easy to get cold, and malnourished enough that he easily could get sick if he did. Keeping him close was for his health.

For both their health.

But he wasn’t shivering, not from cold. Bucky’s body was warm, and encompassing Steve’s, and the blanket over them was enough to keep the worst of the cold out. Still, Bucky hugged him close, and Steve didn’t do anything to stop it. Instead, when Bucky placed his face against the back of Steve’s head, he leaned back, and turned his head just enough for Bucky to see the contours of his face in the dark.

”Hey, Buck? What’s it like… when you’re with the army? There’s no girls there, right?”

Bucky had his face nestled into the hair by Steve’s ear, and his exhale was blowing back in his face and down over Steve’s ear.

”Most times, no. They have some entertainment sent, at times, and it’s mostly girls. Sometimes you get a chance with one of them, but it’s a though job just getting a word in with either of them, because all other soldiers try to do the same. The girls smile and laugh though, so hopefully they like the attention.”

”Oh. But when there’s not? What do the soldiers do then?”

Bucky adjusted his grip on Steve, and shifted his body a bit. He was still holding his face close to his head, but shifted his hips enough to not press his crotch against Steve’s hip. Not when talking about things like this. Not with Steve asking these kinds of questions.

”It’s difficult, sometimes. We share rooms, and don’t really have any alone time. I’ve heard most of the guys jerk off during the night, or in the bathrooms. I guess most do that.”

Steve was quiet for a moment, and Bucky almost thought he’d fallen asleep, before he asked another question. His voice lower then before.

”But those that… don’t do that? If it’s… not enough?”

Bucky shifted a bit more, just a slight bit away from Steve, but it was enough to make the little one in his embrace shy away. He turned back on his side, facing away from Bucky, curling into a ball of rags and bone under the blanket they shared.

”I’ve seen some of the guys… during the night, sometimes. When everyone else is asleep. I’ve seen them crawl over to another guys bed, at times. It’s not as common, I think, or maybe I’m just a heavy sleeper, not noticing what’s going on.”

His words had the affect he subconsciously wanted; Steve relaxed, just a bit, enough for Buck to notice, and then turned a little bit to his side, so he could hear with both ears.

”What would they do then?”

Bucky had his hand on Steve’s waist, warm and firm against the bony creature before him. He didn’t dare remove it, or move at all, not knowing what would happen if he did.

”I didn’t see anything. If would mostly sound like all other times, when they where alone. Sometimes I’d hear something else, like kisses, but more… I don’t know. A few times, I heard whispering voices, low and dark, impossible to hear the words, before I heard anything else.”

Steve turned, slowly, and Bucky almost pulled his hand back when Steve stopped, laying on his back with Bucky’s hand now on his stomach. But Steve put his hands on top of his. It was a very light touch, in no way demanding or binding, but it kept his hand still. Impossibly still. afraid that even the smallest movement of his fingers would make Steve realise how low his hand was, how weird this was.

Bucky didn’t feel weird, and Steve seemed just as curious as before, half-asleep in the dark of the room. But it should be weird. Shouldn’t it?

”What would you hear?”

His voice was even lower, lighter. Barely a whisper. Bucky only heard it because he was so close, and so attuned to every breath Steve took, every whisper of his exhale and every movement of his inhale. He could both feel it, through his hand on his stomach, and hear it, by his face turned against his, his exhale probably stroking over Steve’s face, down his cheek and up over his ear.

”Sometimes, I’d hear… whispered words, I think. But they sounded different. Their voices changed by whatever they where doing. I’d hear lewd sounds, as well, that would have been flesh against flesh. I think. You could hear them trying to keep it very low, but you could still hear it. Especially as they came closer to the end of it. Then you’d hear… moans, I think. Some guy exhaling like he was whining, but deeper. Mostly it was cut off, like their partner put their hand over their mouth.”

Steve was breathing heavier now, or was Bucky just imagining?

”What would you… do, then?”

Bucky tried to take a breath, but it shuddered, and he stopped it, exhaling instead. He was barely touching Steve beside his hand on his stomach, and he almost ached with the focus of not moving his fingers. Trying his hardest to not change his posture, to not spread his fingers, to not scare him away, or force Steve to realise the moment and energy that was between them right now.

”I… would try to sleep. We where training hard, always tired. Not always. Sometimes… I thought of a… eh, girl, and, uhm… just, you know, copied them.”

Steve shuddered at his next inhale.

”Did you… did you ever…” a steadying breath, that was a filled with shivers as before. ”Did you ever… do that? With someone. While… while there?”

Steve swallowed, hard, and Bucky could feel it. Through the hand on his stomach, and he could almost hear it, and he pressed his chest against the side of Steve, holding him close again, and before he understood, he’d splayed his fingers. He could feel the soft hairs that led down Steve’s stomach, trailing down to his crotch, with his fingertips.

Suddenly, Bucky was aware of how close they where. He was aware of that the pants Steve had worn where set lower then before, his fingers not reaching the fabric of the waist of them, and he noticed how Steve was breathing. Short breaths, trying to keep them calm and collected, but Bucky could feel how he had a hard time keeping himself centered. The way Steve shuddered with each breath, just slightly. Enough to notice that maybe Bucky wasn’t the only one feeling it. Maybe this wasn’t one-sided.

Bucky splayed his fingers out, touching the few hairs that went down Steves flat stomach, and felt the tremble through his body. The way his breath hitched, how he was staring straight up into the ceiling, how he was laying way to still on his back, with Bucky close by his side.

Bucky crept a little bit closer. He was already flush against Steve with his chest, but he shifted his legs, feeling his stomach touch the heat of Steve’s brittle body, pushing his head closer to the side of Steves’ ear, basically nuzzling the soft hairs just by his temple.

 

”Did… ever, with…” Steve swallowed, forcefully, and Bucky could feel the movements through the body before him, and let his hand follow them just a little bit lower. He still couldn’t feel the waistband of his pants, and he managed to steal a glance down the blanket over them, seeing a telltale bulge just under where his hand should be.

Bucky wanted to smile for himself, wanted to kiss Steve’s ear and lick the edge of it while pushing his hand lower, finding that bulge and showing Steve what he was talking about.

But he didn’t. He kept his hand still, waiting for Steve to continue his question. His breathing was hard, like every breath was a struggle to contain, but not because of his asthma. Hearing that was making Bucky almost livid, but he didn’t move, didn’t do anything. He couldn’t, not like this, not without being asked.

He should move away. He knew this was just temporary. The youngling before him was curious, just like Bucky’d been before his first times, and he knew this wasn’t as much about himself as it was about the act in general.

Steve took a deep, shuddering breath.

”Did you ever… show someone… or something…?”

Bucky felt his whole body shiver with the feeling of it all; the implications behind what Steve was saying, the hand he held on Steve’s stomach, the soft hairs under his fingers, the words themselves. Keeping himself centered was way too hard, and he shifted his feet unconsciously, in such need to do more, to just reach and grab and stroke until the soon to be man before him was a mess, then turn him over on his stomach, open him up and press in, claiming him, keeping him, saying things he’d regret.

He didn’t do any of that.

”Yeah… one time, in the showers… there was only one other boy there, and he thought he was alone, but I was already there, and… I saw him, he was already… you know, and he asked me to help, and I… I helped him.”

”Oh.”

The small sound escaped Steve and Bucky felt his body react to it all. His hips bucked forward before he could stop them, and he dragged his knees up to not let his erection touch Steve, instead pressing his knees against his side, almost pushing him out from under the blanket, but at least he didn’t get to know what he’d done to Bucky’s body.

He took a deep breath, or tried to, and straightened himself out again, slowly, just enough to get back to the position they’d been in. Steve was laying still, not moving at all, and Bucky still had his hand on his stomach.

”Would…” Steve swallowed. ”… would you… to… to me… maybe?”

The words had Bucky gasping, and without even thinking he’d pushed his hand lower, and he felt the soft hairs swallow his fingers, and then the solid flesh just underneath it. Steve gasped, a light kind of noice that Bucky’d never heard before, and he closed the distance between them, pressing his own erection against Steve’s bony hips, exhaling with open lips over his ear, unable to contain it as before.

”Do you want me to help you?”

He splayed his fingers around the solid flesh, not closing around it but just letting himself feel the width of the cock, while waiting for Steve to regain some kind of speaking ability.

”Uh… uhm, yes. Please… please?”

Bucky pressed his face against Steves head, and bucked up against his hip, while letting his hand circle its fingers around the base of Steve’s cock. He heard the way Steve gasped for air, felt how he leaned his head back, his back arching slightly and as Bucky closed his whole hand over him, his hips bucked up into his grip.

”I can help you. I can do that.” Bucky whispered against Steve’s ear, not sure if he heard him, but sure that he didn’t care if he did, because he could feel how hot his cock was in his grip, how hard it was and when he stroked it he could feel it was already leaking. He could feel the pre-cum that had run down the length of his cock, the wet fabric of the pants, and he himself rutted up against Steve’s hips, getting just enough friction to make himself bite his lip to not moan.

Steve wasn’t as lucky. He could hear the sounds Steve made, when his thumb ran up over the head of his cock, playing lightly against the wet slit. He could hear the small moans, light breaths that was pulled into his chest as fast as he could push them out, and the arm that was pressed between their bodies, its hand trying to grab the blanket that still covered them both.

Bucky let his thumb glide down so he held Steve’s cock properly, and then he pulled at it softly.

The whine that came from Steve’s throat was far too sweet, and Bucky felt his hips buck up against his body, seeking friktion and his hand pulled down, then up, feeling the full length of Steve’s cock, and again hearing that sweet noice, the light whine that just went right through his body, and a moan escaped his own lips before he could stop it.

”Buck… Bucky…”

”It’s ok, I got you, I got you…” Bucky said, in response to Steve’s moans, barely more then heavy whining, just enough to form the sound of his own name. He felt Steve shift slightly, and his head turned against his, and suddenly Bucky was pressing his open lips against Steve’s forehead, while still rutting in short movements against his hips, and he grabbed hold of his dick a bit more firm, trying his best to keep the pace even. Just enough to coax the youngling before him through his orgasm, but not too fast. He heard the sounds he made, light and almost overwhelmed, whining moans against Bucky’s throat that didn’t follow any pattern.

”I got you Steve, I got you…” he whispered, unsure if Steve heard him, as Steve shifted in his grip, arching so high that he was getting up on his feet, bucking his hips up into Bucky’s hand, without any rhythm and his breathing became deeper, slower, and suddenly Bucky felt how the cock in his hands spasmed, again and again, and he followed it with a firm grip, all the way up to the top of his cock, before he pulled down again. He milked him, just a little, because after just one or two strokes Steve was whining in a different way, and as soon as Bucky let go, he curled up into a ball against Bucky’s chest.

”It’s ok, I got you… I got you…” Bucky whispered, as he put his arms around the body before him, feeling a tremble go through him before he began to go back to breathing normally. Bucky held him as tight as he could without pulling Steve closer, and kissed the crown of his head lightly enough that maybe Steve didn’t notice.

The breathing soon became more rhythmical, deeper, and Bucky let himself relax again. He was still hard, but he didn’t do anything about it, and just laid there, holding Steve against him, until he too fell asleep.

 

Bucky didn’t want the memory of that night, not at all. He didn’t want to remember it. He wished it had never happened, but what could he do? The thought of it all, the feeling of Steve in his hand, then curled up in his arms was burned into his memory, he couldn’t just forget it.

 

They hadn’t talked about anything when they woke up. Later, the day had become normal, and soon enough everything was like nothing had happened.

Just a few days later Bucky was whisked away to the front lines, and the next time he saw Steve, he was a changed man.

After that, everything was different. Steve was torn from the military proper for missions and publicity, the war was still raging, and so much had happened.

So much Bucky didn’t remember. So much he wished he’d forget, for completely different reasons.

Then, he’d fallen. He didn’t remember it fully. It was just cold and screams and pain. He didn’t really have any clear memories of anything after that. Climpses and feelings; pain, satisfaction, anger. Sorrow, but he couldn’t remember for what.

 

He wondered if Steve remembered.

He had no idea if he did.

What would it change, if he did? It was, at most, a stolen moment. As it always was with them.

The moment alone before he went under the last time was such a moment. A ripple in time, completely free from all other moment, all other memories.

 

He wasn’t sure it was even his to keep.

 

~*~

 

The next time he saw the Captain in person where in front of the remaining loyalists, and the King of Wakanda, among many others. T’Challa Stood to the side, as did the others, as Bucky walked up to the Captain. Steve looked different; not only the beard, but the eyes, and his lack of a shield on his back.

Still, Steve smiled as he saw him, as their eyes met. He smiled back, a sad smile, trying to keep it neutral but he knew he failed.

 

There wasn’t time for much. For anything. The world was ending. In this, Bucky was only another soldier, another piece in the game, and he knew this game all too well. Wether it was for the end of the world or just another assassination, it was still the same; violence, death and chaos. There was many differences, many variables that had changed, but in the end it was just this; this that Bucky’d been made for. Fighting, for his life or others, in plain sight or shadows.

 

It was chaos.

 

~*~

 

The moment of respite they where standing in felt like the calm in the eye of the storm. Bucky didn’t exactly know what had happened, or why it was important; he barely knew the specifics of the fight they where fighting, other then that they where fighting for the world, for life itself.

He looked around, and Steve was doing the same.

But something was different.

A void of some kind.

It wasn’t describable. It was the opposite of feeling, the total absence of feeling, and it began around his feet.

 

”Steve?”

 

He looked at Steve. Begging his attention. Immediately Steve turned his head, and the look on his face was hard, focused. Eyes wide, looking down at the body Bucky could no longer feel, and he knew something was bad. Too bad too understand, to think through.

He knew the look, but it was different then before. He knew the look as the one Steve gave dying soldiers, when he couldn’t pull them from the battlefield, when their bodies had begun to fail, when their entrails where hanging out and there was nothing, nothing at all, to do about it.

Bucky knew that look.

It was directed at him.

The abcense of feelings spread.

 

”Bucky? Bucky!”

 

He met Steve’s eyes.

There was a finality to them. A desperate knowledge that this was the end, that there was nothing to do, that all was over and done with.

But still Steve ran towards him. There where desperation in his eyes. Wide, staring, his mouth pulled taunt and Bucky didn’t let his weapon go, but he wanted to reach him. His training was too hardwired. He wanted to touch Steve, to feel him, but he couldn’t. His arms where void, gone, from one moment to the next.

No matter if he held onto the gun or not.

He held Steve’s eyes.

Held them, pleading, knowing, accepting. Begging Steve to live. Begging that this wouldn’t happen to him.

As he felt the last of himself become void, he wished he could tell him. Say something. When else could he.

 

Then he was gone.

There was a moment of void. The thought that he should have said it out loud. Then, even that thought was void, and there was nothing left to disappear.

 

~*~

 

Steve sat on the ground, the ashes of his friend covering the ground before him. Melting into the leaves, the dirt, he reached forward and pulled at the grass, the cold ground digging in under his nails, as the ashes melted away, and soon there was no proof that there had every been anything there.

He sat, grappling at the ground, as in he would fall away from the face of the earth if he let go. His body didn’t respond. He wondered what was the point. He wondered why.

He looked down at the ground, no proof that anything had ever been here other then the leaves fromt he trees and his own footsteps.

 

He should have done something.

After the night, so long ago, he should have said something. Anything.

But he had been quiet.

Then, all had been too late.

 

He’d lost Bucky before.

But it had never felt as this.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm at tumblr: same nick as here, or InsanitysQueen  
> Give me kinky prompts or talk fics with me <3


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